A big T-H-A-N-K Y-O-U goes out to Misty and Charles who sent in these jokes.  As always, we are on the lookout for your truly humorous funnies.  As Bill Schimmel says, “everyone needs a little silly in their life.”  Enjoy the following jokes and illustrations.  Hey, if we used one of your originals, kindly let us know so we can credit you as the author!

“Fifty Dollars”

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old.  If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal.  I’ll take the both of you for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you!  But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.  The pilot put the craft through all kinds of maneuvers, but not a word was heard.  Up, down, back and forth, even sideways, he did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't’t.  I’am impressed!”Morris replied, “Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

“The Mo-ed”

An elderly man on a Mo-ed, looking about a 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car yak got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO.  It cost half a million dollars.”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man.

“Why does it cost so much?”

“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour,” states the doctor proudly!

The Mo-ed driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

“No problem,” replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Then, sitting back on his Mo-ed, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car all right….But I’All stick with my Mo-ed!”

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.  So he floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly…WHOOOSSSHHH!  Something whips by him going much faster!

“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?”  the doctor asks himself.

He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.  Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Mo-ed!

Amazed that the Mo-ed could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas.  He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!!!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.  Not ten seconds later, he sees the MOped bearing down on him again!  The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do! 

Suddenly, the Mo-ed plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.  The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievable, the old man is still alive.

He runs up to the banged up old guy and says, “I’am a doctor…is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”

Gas prices getting you down?  Yeah, me too.

“The Fisherman” 

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish.  He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”  He looked around and couldn't’t see any one.  He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”

He looked into the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.  The man said, “Are you talking to me?”

The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you.  Pick me up.  Then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.”  I’ll give you more pleasure than you ever could dream of.” 

The old man looked dubiously at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.  Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts?  Didn't’t you hear what I said?  I said kiss me and I’ll give you more pleasure than you’ve ever had before.”

The old geezer opened his pocket, looked at the frog, and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

FROM MILTON BERLE’S “PRIVATE JOKE FILE”…

“The Bartender”                       

A man walked into a posh café and sat down at the bar.  He was greeted by a bartender with a severely hunched back.  The bartender asked, “What’ll it be?”

Afflicted with a lisp, the man asked the price of a Scotch.

“Nine dollars.”

“How much ith a thcrewdriver?”

“Ten dollars.”

“And how much ith a beer?”

“Nine and a half.”

The lisping man ordered a Scotch and sat back.  When the drink was brought to him, he said, “Thank you very much for not making fun of my affliction.”

The bartender said, “You didn’t make fun of my hunched back.”

The lisping man said, “Oh, the pritheth in thith plathe are tho high, I thought it wath your ath!”                                                                                                       

“Twins”

Identical twins sauntered into a bar and laughed as one of the barflies started to gawk at them.  One of the twins said, “Don’t worry, the booze hasn't’t affected you.  We’re twins.”

The man said, “No kidding, all four of you?”

Have fun, stay safe…Happy Traveling!