We cannot use all jokes submitted due to lack of space, but we will use all we can.  The name of the person attached to the joke is not intended necessarily to be the author, but only the person who submitted it.  Thanks for being a part of us.

Hey, we just pass these along to you as they come in to us!  Hope you enjoy this issue of Senior Jokes and illustrations…

One October afternoon my 5 year old granddaughter and I were digging in the flower beds at our home.  Always the teacher, I began to explain to her about the flowers we were planting.  “Megan, these pansies will grow all winter long and help give us beautiful color.”

As we continued our plantings, my granddaughter said, “mo-mo, these chim-pansies are sure going to be beautiful!”

Barely catching what she’d said, a slow grin began to spread across my face as I imagined the beautiful “chim-pansies!”

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens.  He had lined them up and was “preaching” to them.  The mother turned around to do some work.  A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door.  She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens.

The mother opened the window and yelled out to Johnny, “Stop that!  You’ll drown those kittens!”

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice, “They should have thought of that before they joined my church.”

 A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.  Her boss asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”  The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” 

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, “Why don’t you go home for the day?  Take the day off to relax and rest.”  “Thanks, but I’d be better off here.  I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here,” said the blonde.

Agreeing with her logic, the boss allows her to stay and work as usual.  A couple of hours pass by and the boss decides to check in on the blonde.  He looks out of his office and sees her crying hysterically.  “What’s so bad now?  Are you going to be ok?” he asks.

“No!” exclaims the blonde.  “I just received word from my sister that her mother died today, also!”

Dusty Underwear

                                                                                Sent in by Tieisha Ingram

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.

Maybe it would take a few inches off your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded, 

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.  “What the Hell is this??”  he said to himself as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

“It’s not talcum powder, honey…….it’s Miracle Grow!!” 

Moving to Nevada

                                                                              By Undisclosed

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.  He asks, “What are you doing?”  She answers, “I’m moving to Nevada.  I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you free!”

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.  When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m coming too.  I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”

  Two blondes, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.  Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.  Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”  Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”  Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron!  Those nails aren’t defective!  They’re for the other side of the house!” 

 How Much Dumber Can They Get?

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.  “How did this happen?”  The emergency room physician asked her.  “Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.  “What?” sputtered the doctor?  “You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?” 

“No, silly,” the blonde said.  “First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, ‘I just spent $6,000 for these implants.  I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”  “So then?” asked the doctor

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, I just paid over $3,000 to get my teeth straightened and I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then what?” asked the nurse beside the doctor?  “So then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought:  “This is going to make a loud noise!  So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

Sent in by Boyd to his Aunt Amanda:

                          Regarding Jeff Foxworthy and his Texas humor

If someone in a Lowe’s store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Texas.

If you’ve worn shorts and a Parka at the same time, you may live in Texas.

If you’ve had a lengthy conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number, you probably live in Texas. 

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Texas.

If you say “Vacation” and it means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Texas.

If you actually understood these jokes and have sent them to all your family and friends, like Boyd did – then you belong in Texas!

HAPPY TRAVELING SENIORS!