We cannot use all jokes submitted due to lack of space, but we will use all we can.  The name of the person attached to the joke is not intended necessarily to be the author, but only the person who submitted it.  Thanks for being a part of us.

Sweet Cheeks – sent by Rocky

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered
to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before!  All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.
One day he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Grandparents

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says,

“I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked.  Man, she is one fine looking woman!”

The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”

The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”

At this point, silence fills the room as the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says,

“Grandpa….go home, you’re drunk!”

Twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart greeter says, “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart.  Nice boys you have there.  Are they twins?”

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to grunt out, “Hell no, they ain’t twins.  The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7.  Why the hell would you think they’re twins?  Are you blind, or just stupid?”

“I’m neither blind nor stupid.” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice!”

“Have a nice day.”

No Driver

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend gambling trip.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, while the Blonde team rode on the top level.  The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the girls upstairs.  She decided to go investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here?  We’re having a great time downstairs!”  One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered….

“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!”

Read While Traveling - sent in by Marianne 

Gas station:

Toilet out of order.  Please use floor below

Jiffy laundry:

Automatic washing machines:  Please remove all your clothes when light goes out

Bargain basement upstairs

Second hand shop:

We exchange anything – Bicycles, washing machines, etc… Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?

Health store closed due to illness

Seen in a safari park: 

Elephants please stay in your car.

Conference notes: 

For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

In a farmer’s field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field free, but the bull charges.

On a repair shop door:

We can repair anything.  (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)