We cannot use all jokes submitted due to lack of space, but we will use all we can.  The name of the person attached to the joke is not intended necessarily to be the author, but only the person who submitted it.  Thanks for being a part of us.

Work and No Play

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today.  I really sick.  Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt.  I no come work.”

Hung Chow’s boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.  When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.  That makes everything better and I go to work.  You try that.”

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again, “I do what you say and I feel great.  I be at work soon….boss, you got nice house.”

Spaghetti and Meatballs

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.  One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.  She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.  To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “spaghetti” on the back.  He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.  “Honey,” she said, “You received a very strange post card today.”  “Oh, just give it to me, and I’ll explain it,” he said.  The wife obeyed and watched her husband read the card, turn white, and faint.  On the card was written:  “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Two with meatballs, one without.”

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waiving at him.  She says hello.   He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.  So he says, “Do you know me?”  To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “OH NO – are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

What’s That?

 A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.  They opened the champagne and began undressing.  When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, “What’s wrong with your feet?  Your toes look all mangled and weird.”

“I had tolio as a child,” he answered.

“You mean polio?” she asked.

“No tolio.  The disease only affected my toes.”

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked, “What’s wrong with your knees?”  “They’re all lumpy and deformed!” 

“As a child, I also had kneasles,” he explained.  “You mean measles?” she asked.

“No,  kneasles.  It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.”

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.  As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

“Don’t tell me,” she said.  “Let me guess…….smallcox?”

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day.  “You know, I know everyone there is to know.  Just name someone, anyone and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “Okay Bubba, how about Tom Cruise?”  “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it.”

So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Bubba!  Great to see you!”  “You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”  Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical.  After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.

“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.  “Yep,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”  So, off they go.  At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over.  “Bubba, what a surprise.  I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up”

Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced.  After they leave the White House g rounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“The new Pope,” his boss replies.  “Sure!” says Bubba.  “I’ve known the Pope a long time.”  So, off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “this will never work.  I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”  He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter’s.

Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.  But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.  Working his way to his  boss’s side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, d rove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.  The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s entirely my fault.  Today is my first day driving a cab.  I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.     

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  So they loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained.  “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack replied.  “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.  And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and they enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.  But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out.  He finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”

“Yes, I do.”  Said Bob.  “Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?”

“Well, um, yes” said Bob, a little embarrassed about being found out.  “I have to admit that I did.” 

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her- your name?”

Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry buddy.”  “I’m afraid I did.  Why do you ask?”

“Oh, she just died and left me everything.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their ent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look towards the sky, what do you see?”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically it is evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

Tonto is silent for a moment, and then says, “Kemo Sabe, you are dumber than buffalo patties – someone has stolen the tent!”