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After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair She says, "That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed
my Social Security application
When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social
security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability too."
Submitted by: Doug Noble
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball" - Jack Lemmon
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "DAM!"
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city park he came to, and park somewhere quietly so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it - the park happened to be the city's favorite place for joggers. No sooner had he settled back to snooze, there came a knock on the door. Lifting one eyelid open he saw a man jogging in place -
"Yes???"
"Excuse me sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks, and left. Settling back down into what promised to be therapeutic sleep, another knock came to the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me sir, "do you have the time?"
"8:25!!"
The jogger mumbled thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out pen and paper and put a sign on his car door.
"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir, sir?" "It's 8:45!"
After his annual checkup with his heart doctor, Mr. Smith went home to break the news to his wife. "Because my heart is in such bad shape, the doc said absolutely no more sex - ever!" "Even one more time could kill me."
So after much discussion, they decided that she would sleep upstairs and he would sleep downstairs to avoid physical contact.
After three nights of this arrangement, they bumped into each other on the staircase. "Where are you going asked the wife?" "Where are you going asked the husband?"
"I was coming down to kill you." the wife replied. Shaking his head with a gleam in his eye, the husband replied, "I was coming up to die!"
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the questions a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the move, "1,228," he said.
"That's right! You may enter.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them!"
An Engineer, doctor, and pastor got together to golf. While waiting for a particularly slow group in front of them, the Engineer said, "What's with these guys? "We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. (dramatic pause) "Hi George." "Say, what's with that group ahead of us?" "They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. So now, we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
When the staff goes out after work, they talk about football and basketball.
When Middle management gets together, they talk about tennis or baseball.
Top management discusses golf. Conclusion:
The higher ranking you are in management, the smaller your balls are.
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