I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. 

FOR EXAMPLE:               

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion
starts to heat up, when she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me."
 
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband
on the planet dreads to hear, “You're just not in touch with my emotional
needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
"She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing
was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big
department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several
different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so
I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her
new clothes, so I said, “Let's get a pair for each outfit".  We went on to the
jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me
tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short
of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she then asked
for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.  I
think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."  She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
 
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself as I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it," Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, WHAT?" I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."  And just when she had this
look on her face as if she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either......

From Aimie:  she loves senior citizens!

An elderly gentleman…had serious hearing problems for a number of years.  He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.  The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.  Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”  The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.  I’ve changed my will three times!”

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.  How do you feel?”  Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”  “Really?” asked his friend.  Slim replies, “Yep, no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants!”

People may forget what you said…People may forget what you did…but people will never forget how you made them feel!

 A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up on to a stool.  After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.  The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”  “No” he replied, “Arthritis.”

A senior couple had dinner at another couple’s home, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said to the other, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.  I would highly recommend it.”  The other fellow said, “What is the name of the place – we’d probably like to try it?” 

The first man thought and thought – you could see the perplexity on his face – finally he said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know…the one that’s red and has thorns?” His friend replied, “You mean a rose?”  “Yes, yes that’s the one!” the elderly man replied.  He then turned toward the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

A good ole’ boy in his eighties said to his buddy, “So I hear you’re getting married?”

“Yep!”

“Do I know her?”

“Nope!”

“This woman, is she good looking?”

“Not really.”

“Is she a good cook?”

“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”

“Does she have lots of money?”

“Nope!  Poor as a church mouse.”

“Does she light your fire in bed?”

I don’t know.”

“Why in the world do you want to get married?”

“Because….she can still drive!”

“Chosen Profession”   from Joe Bob Brewster

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.  Like so many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment.  He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects, a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whiskey, and a Playboy magazine.

“I’ll just hide behind the door, “the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me!  If he picks up the silver dollar, he’s going into business and that would be ok.

Should he pick up the bottle of whiskey, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and what a shame that would be.  And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he’s apt to be a skirt chasin’ bum.”

The old preacher waited anxiously behind the door and soon heard his son’s footsteps on the steps.  Whistling as he entered the room, the boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.  With curiosity, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.  Then he picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.  Next, he uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the magazine’s centerfold.

“Lord have mercy!” the old preacher whispered disgustedly, “he’s going into the oilfield.”