We cannot use all jokes submitted due to lack of space, but we will use all we can.  The name of the person attached to the joke is not intended necessarily to be the author, but only the person who submitted it.  Thanks for being a part of us.

No one falls in love by choice,  
it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance,  
it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance,  
it is by CHOICE

                              Author unknown

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping naked on her bed.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?

 The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

 The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

 "Your name never came up," she replied.

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I  am."

 The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet ;above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

 She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

 "I am," replied the man.  "How did you know?"

 "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you’ve told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.  Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

 The man smiled and responded,
"You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist.   "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.  
You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow,  now it's my fault."

Southern Style Marriage

Two guys from Hawkinsville are quietly sitting in a boat at a pond in Pulaski County Georgia fishing and drinking a Big Orange and eating a Moon Pie, when suddenly Earl says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over two months.”

Bubba slowly sips on his Big Orange, thinks on it a while and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

  If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.  I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull…but that’s not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.  I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather MY whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.  My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it…Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter…either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

A Short Fuse

The newly weds could hardly wait to get to their room.  Both tore their clothes off.  The groom puffed out his chest and said, “A hundred eighty pounds of dynamite!”

The bride looked him over and exclaimed, “It’s the fuse that I’m worried about.”

The new bride was shy.  Before they checked into the honeymoon hotel, she told the groom not to tell anyone they were newlyweds.  The next morning she came down to the lobby and all the other guests stared at her.  At the breakfast table she said, “I asked you not to tell any one we were newlyweds.”  The groom said, “I didn’t, I told them we were just good friends.”

A Fair Price

A young couple from the country honeymooned at the fancy resort.  As they were checking in, the clerk told the new husband, “That will be $30 a piece.”  The new

Husband quickly plunked down $300 with a grin from ear to ear.”

                                                       (from Milton Berle’s Private Joke files)

                           The cab arrived at the hotel.  Getting out, the new bride asked her husband, “What can we do to hide the fact that we’ve just got married?”  The groom said, “You carry the luggage.”